Sex Metaphors, Ooo Yeah

Sex Metaphors, Ooo Yeah

I always thought of metaphors as literary devices, and also as very important things to be able to identify (according to every standardized test). Then I read Metaphors We Live By George Lakoff and it blew my mind. Turns out we all use hundreds of metaphors a day, without even trying. It goes deep, people.

Michael_Scott
Source

Metaphors are a powerful way of mapping a familiar situation onto an unfamiliar situation, and then presto – we just get it.

For example, I’ve been thinking about my “Got Consent?” shirt lately. Whenever I wear it, I mentally prepare myself for random people to ask me questions about consent… and then they almost never do. I’m sure there are a lot of reasons for that, but the one that sticks in my mind is that the word “consent” just doesn’t evoke much. Maybe people are pretty sure it’s about not raping people, but what else?

It actually represents a huge big deal. A total shift in thinking.

Old: No means No
New: Yes means Yes

The difference is VAST. And it can take a lot of words to explain fully.

But lucky us, we have metaphors to use as a shortcut! Here are two that I love:

Metaphor #1: Sex as a Cup of Tea

Recommended Use: When someone says “but it seems like a gray area”

This metaphor, created by rockstar dinosaur pirate princess in March, is so good. It gets even better the more it expands, so even though it’s kind of long, I’m just going to paste it here and let it speak for itself:

…just imagine instead of initiating sex, you’re making them a cup of tea.

Colin-Firth-Tea
Source

You say “hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they go “omg fuck yes, I would fucking LOVE a cup of tea! Thank you!” then you know they want a cup of tea.

If you say “hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they um and ahh and say, “I’m not really sure…” then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they don’t drink it then – this is the important bit –  don’t make them drink it. You can’t blame them for you going to the effort of making the tea on the off-chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking it. Just because you made it doesn’t mean you are entitled to watch them drink it.

If they say “No thank you” then don’t make them tea. At all. Don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea, ok?

Bea-tea
Source

They might say “Yes please, that’s kind of you” and then when the tea arrives they actually don’t want the tea at all. Sure, that’s kind of annoying as you’ve gone to the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea, now they don’t. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And it’s ok for people to change their mind, and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it even though you went to the trouble of making it.

If they are unconscious, don’t make them tea. Unconscious people don’t want tea and can’t answer the question “do you want tea” because they are unconscious.

Ok, maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they are now unconscious. You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and  – this is the important bit – don’t make them drink the tea. They said yes then, sure, but unconscious people don’t want tea.

JLaw-NO
Source

If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it, and then passed out before they’d finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe. Because unconscious people don’t want tea. Trust me on this.

If someone said “yes” to tea around your house last saturday, that doesn’t mean that they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST WEEK”, or to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST NIGHT”.

Do you think this is a stupid analogy? Yes, you all know this already  – of course you wouldn’t force feed someone tea because they said yes to a cup last week. Of COURSE you wouldn’t pour tea down the throat of an unconscious person because they said yes to tea 5 minutes ago when they were conscious. But if you can understand how completely ludicrous it is to force people to have tea when they don’t want tea, and you are able to understand when people don’t want tea, then how hard is it to understand when it comes to sex?

My favorite thing about this metaphor is that it puts sex into the same category as every other human interaction. Sex is not a magical, passion-ruled, anything-goes, gray-area thing. It’s a regular thing. Like tea.

Metaphor #2: Sex as a Jam Session

Recommended Use: Sex Ed 101

I read this really great book of essays edited by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti, called Yes Means Yes (additional proof that it is great: Margaret Cho wrote the foreword) and my favorite chapter was “Toward a Performance Model of Sex” by Thomas Macaulay Millar.

Millar explains that it’s totally normalized to talk about sex as a transaction:

                   She “gives it up”

hands-exchanging-money
Source
                   He “gets some”

Super familiar, right? Millar goes on to say:

“sex is like a ticket;  women have it, and men try to get it. Women may give it away, or trade it for something valuable, but either way it’s a transaction”

Heteronormative? Check. Phallocentric? Check.

Rape apologists adopt this “commodity model” language frequently when trying to cast doubt on rape by calling it “buyer’s remorse” (also known as “regretful sex”).

Think about how the tea model says “if someone said they wanted tea, and then they changed their mind, don’t give them tea.” The transactional model *really* frowns on this kind of “dealbreaking” after a transaction has been initiated.

But what if we talked about sex as a performance?

Miller uses the metaphor of a “jam session.” Pretty similar to the tea metaphor – if the other person doesn’t want to sing or play an instrument, then the jam session isn’t gonna happen. And a jam session is creative, it’s collaborative, pretty exciting all the way around.

Screen Shot 2015-05-17 at 4.14.42 PM
If Janelle or Badoula just stopped singing, the show would be over.

Here’s my favorite way that the performance model smashes the commodity model. The commodity model assumes that when a woman has sex, she loses something of value. So if she has too much sex, she basically becomes worthless. Here’s how the performance model contradicts that:

“a musician’s first halting notes at age 13 in the basement are not something of particular value. She gets better by learning, by playing a lot, by playing with different people who are better than she is. She reaches the height of her powers in the prime of her life, as an experienced musician, confident in her style and conversant in her material.”

YEAH!

It’s time to smash the commodity model, don’t you think?
Janelle-and-Badoula-smash-the-patriarchy
Source

I definitely recommend getting the book and reading the full chapter, because it is so much more complicated and interesting than what I’m able to get into here.

Questions? Comments? Amazing metaphors to share? Feel free to comment or drop me a line!

Advertisements

Guy Nottadadi is Back – With Zombies!

Guy Nottadadi is Back – With Zombies!

There are two things you should always be prepared for: zombie attacks and hot sex.

A new Guy Nottadadi video really makes my week! Guy is the star of Bedsider.org‘s Guy’s Guide to Birth Control, a series of frank, hilarious video PSAs. The videos speak specifically to men, who as a group typically aren’t expected to know much about birth control.

This one, released just in time for Halloween, shows Guy nonchalantly beating the crap out of zombies while he explains the importance of preparation. Philadelphians will particularly appreciate this super-historically-accurate gem:

“As the great booty-hound and inventor of the boogie-woogie, Benjamin Franklin, once said, ‘By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.’”

Unfortunately, even though Ben Franklin was familiar with the fact that “the cure for sexual urges is unknown,” he didn’t have such good luck with the STI prevention.

If you want to read more about the Guy’s Guide to Birth Control series (and binge-watch the other amazing videos) check out my earlier post.

Have you met Guy Nottadadi?

Have you met Guy Nottadadi?

No? I’m not surprised. Please allow me to introduce you.

Guy Nottadadi is the star of Bedsider.org‘s Guy’s Guide to Birth Control. This series of short videos frankly addresses the fact that guys aren’t expected to know much about birth control, and sets out to turn that expectation on its head.

Bedsider.org is a birth control support network for women ages 18–29, run by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, which launched a major marketing campaign with The Ad Council in November 2011. The fact that they have spent significant time and resources to teach guys about birth control makes me so happy! This is hands-down the most entertaining Ad Council campaign I have ever seen, and it’s worlds away from other recent efforts which rely on scare-tactics and shaming (like the pregnant boys ads in Chicago and the “real cost of teen pregnancy” ads in New York). Bedsider is a very sex-positive campaign, but I still wish actual ads (not just the resources on the website) went beyond their focus on unplanned pregnancy prevention to discuss healthy, safe sex in general. The videos do a great job of working in the importance of open communication, and the overall positive, fun, matter-of-fact tone would translate perfectly to an expanded campaign. I know, I’m dreaming!

Can you believe that most of the videos posted on YouTube for this series have less than 10,000 views? It’s sad to think that I would never have found the Guy’s Guide if I weren’t looking (though to be fair, I’m not the target audience). This campaign is just too well-done and amazing to be hidden away! If I ran the world, the Guy’s Guide videos would be popping up as ads everywhere. If anyone has seen them on other websites or out in the world, please let me know. I saw a couple of Bedsider print ads near the University of Pennsylvania campus a while ago, but that’s all I’ve seen of this campaign offline.

For your binge-watching pleasure:

If you like these, you should check out some of the other great videos on Bedsider.org, like this one:

Lastly, here are a couple of Bedsider.com’s newest TV ads (featured in this recent post by Osocio). They really embrace the awkward:

Have you seen any other great campaigns designed specifically for male audiences? I would love to hear about them! Drop me a line.